


I'm fine (save me)

by KilluCoulomb



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Issues, Gen, Headcanon, Help, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Please Don't Kill Me, Tanaka Ryuunosuke is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 00:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21109652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilluCoulomb/pseuds/KilluCoulomb
Summary: Keeping a strong facade for others and pushing your feelings down constantly.That's Nishinoya Yuu's life since he remembers it.But, the human mind is like a little box, filled with thoughts and memories.If you keep them in and hide, it will all overflow someday.And he could not control how it would affect him.





	I'm fine (save me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! This is my first work here (I already posted it on twitter but I wanted to share)  
I'm a sucker for Noya angst and I hope everything is accurate.

Nishinoya Yuu was fine. He knew he was.   
That's what he told his grandfather when he found out about his parents 'divorce.  
At least he wouldn't have to hear muffled shouts and things breaking when he couldn't sleep.

Then in the following day, hear that mommy was clumsy and broke the vase when tripping. What a lie. Mommy was careful. Mommy loved that vase.

Yuu was fine when he heard he would stay with his mom and dad would visit every two weeks. Dad said it'd be better for him. That everyone would be happier like this. What a lie. Noya would miss Daddy's silly bedtime stories. He'd miss his funny jokes and puns he did when watching TV.

But, of course, he was fine.

When he started living with Mom and Grandpa, he was 13. Yuu loved his grandpa and his advice was great. They would spend hours talking about the most trivial things.   
But Mom wasn't there. He missed her. She would always be traveling or working. Sometimes she would come home and not even say a 'Hello!' or 'I missed you, son'   
She was just... Absent. Missing.

His grandfather would sometimes ask how he was feeling about this. Or even explain where Mom was this time.  
Noya always answered the same, robotic, mechanical words, already implanted as the automatic reply.

"I'm fine."

Mom didn't come for his first volleyball game. Dad was there though. Noya wishes he could see him more.   
Mom also didn't come to his middle school graduation. When he started high school, she wasn't there.

He was fine, though. He got used to it.

Karasuno was a great team. They really felt like his family. Always worried and kind, Noya loved his team.  
He still can't bring himself to speak about this with anyone.

He spent so much time of his life pretending to be strong for others. How could he face the fragile, scared and broken child inside himself?

But instead of fading, the feelings he pulled aside only grew stronger in bad days. He would get a bad grade in a test he studied to, lock himself somewhere and break down. Alone. Noya looked at himself with disgust. He was so weak. He didn't have the right to call himself the Guardian Angel if he couldn't take care of his dumb issues.

Living with the weight of hiding his true self, Noya persisted. Until today.

Nishinoya found himself staying late to practice today. The ball bouncing on the floor as he threw it on the wooden wall. His mind focused on the constant and reassuring sound it made.

Bounce, bounce, bounce the ball on the floor.

The rhythm was the only thing keeping his composure now.  
Without noticing, he threw the ball harder and couldn't catch it back, the round object flying over his head, with a thump on the floor.

Noya's breath was hitching now. His body ached so, so much.

His legs were trembling, he didn't know if it was because of his overworking or the sudden fear and anxiety creeping on his head now.

He gripped both his arms hard, trying to make himself smaller. Run, run run! His mind told him. Tears fell down his face. Panic invaded his systems and he felt an urge to scream.

His voice was stuck in his throat.  
On the gym floor, he fell on his knees, gasping for air while feeling an emptiness inside his chest.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, Noya told himself. He couldn't.

The environment around him was blurred and he felt light-headed. Maybe he would pass out. His chest heaving while trying to keep up with his sobs would confirm it.

He heard a muffled sound of a door opening. He had no way to react to it now. Whoever it was, they would know the pathetic mess that was his true self.

He heard a soft whisper and a hand petting his back slowly. The voice counted the time between his inhales and exhales.

"Noya-san, keep breathing. " he heard the voice. It was Ryuu.

His friend made him sit on the cold floor, the feeling of it making his panic slowly decrease. His legs felt numb now.

"We need to talk about this, Noya-san," Ryuu said softly. "You can't just have a panic attack all alone in the gym, you know?"

He sighed. He had one of these before. All alone. This was the worst time. He was really an idiot trying to be a pillar for others.

"Thank you, Ryuu. You're really good at these things." was all he could manage to say.

"You don't have to thank me. I want you to tell me what triggered this. Please, Noya-san." His friend got closer and put his hands on Noya's shoulders.

"Maybe I'm not as fine as I thought I was" he laughed at his own misery. A weak, raspy snort. He was so, so tired. Of everything. Hiding, fearing, wishing for what he couldn't, suppressing his emotions, breaking down.

He couldn't do this anymore. If he had another attack he'd probably do something bad. Actually, worse.

Looking at Ryuu, he decided to show his best friend his ugly, coward side. He couldn't worry about what he'd think now.   
All that pain and suffering needed a way out his head.

Standing up, struggling a little because of his legs that were still numb, Noya took his friends' hand and said

"Let's go for a walk. Guess I'll have to tell you some stuff"

Smiling softly, Ryuu held his hand and ruffled his hair, both exiting the gym, feeling the cold night air.

Nishinoya Yuu wasn't fine. He knew from the start. He just needed Tanaka Ryuunosuke to make him realize it, and, of course, ease his agony.


End file.
